The story continues...
The journey through autoimmune disease
The next instalment of my story with autoimmune disease...
By my late 30's my patterns of pushing, a splurge and purge lifestyle was embedded. My body was addicted to these cycles of stress and I still didn't fully understand them.
Why couldn't I sit still or find relaxation? Why did all the things I enjoy about movement and action?
The conclusion? Chronic stress related to early life experiences
What is chronic stress?
Chronic stress is a prolonged, often overwhelming feeling of stress that can negatively impact a person’s daily life. Chronic stress can cause changes in mood, difficulty sleeping, and physical illness.
Chronic or extreme stress in early life, has been associated with a wide range of adverse effects on development. It is an emotional or physical tension caused by an event or series of events or thoughts that make you feel angry, frustrated, or nervous. This type of stress is a normal response to multiple events that we have little or no control over.
Chronic stress has many symptoms brought on by our response to it:
Physical symptoms:
Pain
Chest pain
Racing Heart
Exhaustion
Problems sleeping
Headaches
Shaking
High blood pressure
Jaw clenching
Weakened immune system
Mental consequences of stress:
Panic attacks
Sadness
Anxiety
Irritability
Depression
People experiencing chronic stress often attempt to self-medicate by using substances to treat their emotional symptoms:
Gambling
Developing overeating or other eating disorder
Drinking alcohol
Compulsive shopping, internet browsing
Using prescription or illicit drugs
Smoking
Children growing up in difficult environments are under constant chronic stress, and it changes their brain structure and stops them meeting childhood milestones appropriately. Chronic stress is a significant contributor to complex post-traumatic stress disorder formation. (CPTSD)
For me patterns of poor sleep, bad diet, erratic eating habits, no routine, using harmful substances and work to cope and to mask my sadness and anger. It wasn’t a pretty picture. My life probably looked ok on the outside. But inside the fight raged on.
Life was a series of battles and struggles to get through and there was no real joy or connection. I was just about coping and covering my tracks and this went on for years. I thought I was broken inside and out.
By the time I was in my early 40’s and after a family argument, my Father died. I was struggling emotionally and started to drink heavily. The pattern of covering and masking my emotions to manage and control life rose to greet me and said a big hello in the form of a new set of symptoms and a diagnosis I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
Heart racing, agitated, angry, tired and wired, I lost weight, my hair was thin, I looked gaunt and pale. I finally recognised I had a tremor in my hands and went to the GP.
Graves Disease or Chronic Hyperthyroidism. I've heard Grave’s described as having PMS, Dementia and ADHD all rolled into one, I can honestly say it's worse.
Nobody really understands the thyroid. This small butterfly shaped gland makes hormones that control vital bodily functions. If it's not working correctly it can impact your entire body and your life.
It's a regulating dial and maintains balance and order. Energetically, it's also connected to the throat chakra and where thoughts and feelings connect to voice and expression.
My heart would race at rest, my breathing pattern was erratic, I had neck pain, mood swings, I was aggressive and angry then depressed, lethargic.
I took the medication and carried on in the same way as always but my body wouldn't allow it.
I was attempting to work full time plus overtime, still trying to lift heavy weights and run. Returning to this pattern of pushing was my control and now I was losing that too. Trying to escape the root cause of this wasn’t an option anymore.
My body gave up, I was frazzled and paranoid. I struggled to make rational decisions. In my quiet moments I cried in a depression. In my angry moments I lost my shit.
“This isn’t me.” I told myself "I'm a nice person" but how could I believe it? I felt so isolated, my lowest ever.
The loss of my sense of self was the worst part of Graves disease. I reached my lowest point at this stage. I hear this from many other thyroid disease sufferers. From Hashimoto's to chronic hypothyroid as well as Graves Disease.
The thyroid makes hormones that control the way the body uses energy. These hormones affect nearly every organ in your body and control many of your body's most important functions. For example, they affect your breathing, heart rate, weight, digestion, and mood.
During Graves, everything is in overdrive. The accelerator pedal is to the floor and you can't stop it. I've heard horror stories of Graves patients being wrongly diagnosed or treated and ending up in mental health units to be told this was their new normal.
And here is the misunderstanding. The issues with mental health are coming from the thyroid but our system of health loses the connection of body and mind.
Graves' rage was one of the symptoms of this loss of self. It was incandescent. Once released and the adrenaline finally in a place of relative balance, I then saw the total horror and chaos I had created. A deep depression would then loom over me.
Difficult, mental, angry, chaotic, a mess were all words used to describe me.. I can't blame them at all.
But the lack of understanding and the feeling of not being heard, pushed me further and further to mask my symptoms or to hide away in what felt like an abyss of loneliness.
Beneath my illness there had been years of non expression, trying to keep quiet to fit in, hiding my true self and a huge inner critic that seemed to get worse the older I got.
I had often felt alone inside like nothing I did or said was right, and so I did and said what I thought others needed from me. This was quite clearly showing up in my body in a big way.
I lost weight. I lost my hair. I lost my mind.
Eventually I lost my old self but I knew I had to build another
....To be continued
If you are struggling to manage like I was
If you feel lost and alone.
If you feel stuck in the same cycles of stress and burnout
If you want to break free then drop me a reply or comment or book a call to chat over how I can help.