Self-Sabotage
The path out of perfection and procrastination
“I decry the injustice of my wounds, only to look down and see that I am holding a smoking gun in one hand and a fistful of ammunition in the other.” - Craig D. Lounsbrough
Self-sabotaging behaviour refers to intentional action or inaction that undermines our progress and prevents us from accomplishing our goals. Self-sabotage occurs when we hinder our own growth and success.
We can undermine our own good intentions and long-term goals. This can negatively impact every part of our lives including our relationships and career.
We can thwart ourselves for a variety of reasons. Our lives are mainly run through our unconscious patterns and beliefs and we can often be unaware of the causes of why we do what we do. Say we would like to lose weight. We may embark on a healthy eating plan but find ourselves one night ordering pizza and ice cream. The draw becomes too much and we take action.
Finding the root cause and dealing with these underlying beliefs and patterns is the key to changing these often self destructive behaviours.
The underlying reasons or root causes are many. For me, personally, I had unconscious beliefs around feeling unworthy, of having to work harder than everyone else and feeling an inability to receive success and love.
These beliefs came from difficult experiences in my early life and the memories attached to them. When attempting to grow and burgeon in certain areas of my life, I often hit a wall. I had tried all sorts of ways to go around it and had felt unable to deal with the emotional wounds and imprints attached to them. In the end the "symptoms" of those wounds became too difficult to hold onto and I found the right support for me to understand and release them.
Prior to this there had been a mismatch in my words and actions and this created conflict in my body. I often held myself back because I felt unworthy but the words I spoke were of stepping forward and taking action towards my goals.
Self-sabotaging behaviour can lead to chronic struggles with food, alcohol drugs, gambling, and self-injury. It can can strip you of your motivation, cause anxiety and generally keep you stuck.
Three examples include procrastination, perfectionism, and self-medication.
Procrastination
Self-sabotage often includes procrastination. We can fear failure or success and disappointing others and so we never do anything at all or put things off until its too late. It can be perceived by others that you're never ready or unreliable.
Perfectionism
This can be a type of procrastination too. We can hold ourselves to an impossible standard which will cause delays, setbacks and can cause difficulties in relationships. It may feel like you are simply aiming for a hight standard, but it actually hampers success and positive outcomes. If something goes wrong it can end up with the person feeling ashamed that they haven't reached this impossible outcome and that they have let everyone down.
Self-Medication
Alcohol, drugs, food, TV and so on. Our environments are full of things to numb out and soothe. This is a battle within and something that was very familiar to me. Wanting to be successful and the script in my mind telling me I couldn't do it or I wasn't good enough and the soothing and numbing out would begin, generally followed by shame, guilt and anxiety.
How to Support Yourself
Look for patterns the patterns in your life. Are you prone to thwart your efforts time and again? Do you remember events coming up in your life when you were about to embark on a new goal, task or life path? This behaviour could stem from negative life experiences especially from childhood.
The messages I received as a youngster were that I wouldn't really be a success and so I must settle for anything. I didn't feel anyone believed in me. It wasn't until I became aware of the repeated patterns that I was able to work with them and change for good.
It took time and patience and I still work with some. But I am more compassionate with myself and I reach for support when I need it. This is a journey, a deconditioning and an unravelling.
Try not to focus too far ahead. When we aim for something huge it can feel overwhelming, try to look long term but take small daily steps that matter and add up to long term change.
Don’t get hung up on details and minutiae. This tends to lead to "all or nothing" behaviour. Try not to throw in the towel if you feel you have missed a step, just go back and start the next day.
If you are like me, you can overthink every detail, everything has to be just right. The patterns of perfectionism hindered my progress in so many ways. Now I aim for my very best, for excellence and presence, not perfection.
Some journal prompts for you to work with for positive change
Is your behaviour aligning with your goals?
What stops you from taking action to make your dreams come true?
What underlying beliefs is this connected to?
Do you feel discomfort when you progress?
Is this discomfort based on early experiences and messages you learned?
Is this discomfort based on a fear of failure or success?
If you achieve more, do you believe success is more than you deserve?
The work I offer supports you to change these underlying beliefs and we deal with the root cause. It is positive change for good.