Saying yes when you mean no...
“You do not have to change yourself to appease anyone. You are perfectly worthy as you are. You do not have to earn love and support.” ― Vanessa Ooms
Do you ever say yes when you mean no? Me too.
I suppose it's part of life and we've all done it. But if it becomes the thing you do all the time, or to please others, then it's not that great.
We do something to get something and it's often learned very early on in life. But why do we do it?
To be liked and accepted.
To be seen and heard in what we do.
Maybe we think or believe that our needs are less important than those of others.
In my case it was definitely that. To be able to get my needs met I had to work hard and to help others first. It's what I learned growing up.
Work harder to get ahead in my work.
Give others what they needed to ensure they stayed with me.
I had to be someone else, to fit myself in.
But what are the consequences of that choice over and over, even for years or decades?
After choosing this way for so long, I felt totally disconnected. I felt I had to abandon myself, unable to hold any boundaries in case somebody left or felt upset.
I would fulfil peoples needs to the point of burnout, I held resentment and anger, I was fearful and repressed it all and continued my people pleasing just in case, one day it came up trumps.
It didn't.
My health issues increased as I learned to repress more and more, in fact they began to shout louder.
I had low energy, I was exhausted and flares of autoimmune disease and other symptoms increased. Poor digestion, aches and pains etc etc.
I had lost myself. In the need to feel connected and safe I became more fearful and less able to feel part of any fulfilling relationships. I was stuck.
It was a pattern, something became embedded and I had to work with it. I learned to reconnect to myself slowly and understand that by becoming more myself, by accepting who I was (good and bad) I could start to love a more happy and fulfilled life.
This is how I work with my clients now, to help them see who they really are. To remove the patterns that have built up over a lifetime. To support them to make more aligned decisions for themselves and their future.
Some prompts to support you:
In what ways or situations do you silence your own opinions, wants, or needs?
How is people-pleasing helping you? Avoid conflict, rejection, guilt or shame? To ensure people like you/
How is people-pleasing hurting you? Are you tired because you can't say no?
Do people show a lack of respect because you don't assert yourself or just go with the flow?
“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.” ― May Sarton