“Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.” - Steve Maraboli
I spoke last week briefly about my experiences of rejection over the years and with this recent Aries Full Moon I have been urged to face the story again. A little differently this time as is often the case. The spiral theory of growth suggests that we don’t grow in a linear staircase, but rather, we grow in a spiral staircase, meaning that although we may deal with a particular issue, we will circle back around to that issue again and again. We understand the issue at different and deeper levels each time.
We’ve all experienced the pain of rejection, maybe a job we didn’t get or not being invited to a social event and then seeing we were the only one not there. We have all had this.
We feel rejected when we’re not accepted or approved of. It involves the loss of something we wanted and as with other experiences such as abandonment it can leave us feeling unwanted and unworthy.
Maybe you've had experiences like bullying, not being picked for a team, being isolated. not getting the place you wanted in school or work, being cheated on and so on.
Many of my deeper wounds come from childhood, I was often told that my feelings and beliefs didn't matter, I wasn't allowed to express my emotions as it was felt they caused others distress or that I was being dramatic. It gave me the sense that I couldn't speak or be the person I was. That I wasn't acceptable just the way I was, that there was something different about me and wrong with me.
To change this I tried to be like everyone else, I desperately reached more and more for acceptance and to be seen and heard. But as we all know the force and the pushing becomes repelling and the message settles deeper and deeper. You aren't good enough.
The message got so embedded I slowly shut down and this I attribute this to the issues I manifested in my physical body. At a young age many of us experience these messages and at a time when we are developing our sense of self-worth and self-concept, it leads to false beliefs about ourselves. These beliefs add to the pain of being rejected and can become a self-fulfilling prophecy and to putting up emotional walls.
We learn that to be vulnerable is to show ourselves but in doing so nobody will like or accept us and so we don't. We repress and hide our true selves.
“Much of what we call personality is not a fixed set of traits, only coping mechanisms a person acquired in childhood.” ― Gabor Maté
We believe that to take the pain out of rejection we must hold people at arms length. As if by doing this it keeps us safe.
My belief was "If people know who I really am, they won't like me or turn me away" because this was the message I received and internalised. Throughout life I expected people to let me down - and guess what? They did. I also rejected others before they could do this and so controlled every aspect of every relationship and I know it was felt by those who tried to love me.
It affected all my relationships and although the trigger still comes up to be seen and to remind me of my humanness, I see it now as the lesson I needed to grow. I have often said before I don't believe in accidents and after much deep work I know this is part of my path.
One great quote that springs to mind is from Kurt Cobain, in every way an individual and a maverick;
“I’d rather you hate me for who I am than love me for who I’m not.” — Kurt Cobain
I am an Aquarian and so being free spirited and independent is written in my personality, I am also a Projector in Human Design with a 6/2 profile. I am not suited to fitting in and nor am I meant to. This was hard growing up but as I worked through this and learned more about myself, I began to see these experiences as a redirection and my Soul guiding me to take the route that is destined.
Don't get me wrong the experiences I had were hard and clearly affected my physical and emotional bodies deeply. But rejection taught me that I needed to do life differently and showed me how to be strong in my solitude. It gave me creative ideas and new ways of doing things. It showed me to honour my truth and my path.
It can be frustrating and painful but acceptance of its teaching is important to understand.
In a positive sense it teaches us discernment, intelligent judgement and a refreshing lack of concern for the opinions of others. It's lessons can teach us to become excellent at calling a spade a spade when the situation calls for it and, in this current climate, can be a breath of fresh individualistic air.
In the negative sense, rejection can teach us to become hard and bitter. It can manifest as prejudice, intolerance and bigotry. It can be expressed as a general loathing and contempt expressed projected onto others, especially those perceived as different.
In the positive state, rejection can be expressed as: “I’ll say anything that is true, even if others hate it;” and in the negative state it can be expressed as: “I’ll say anything that others hate, even if it’s not true.”
And BOTH may be held at the same time in the same person, such is the way of working with our deep wounds.
“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others' approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” ― Lao Tzu
I understand and accept these parts of me and this is how we bring the pain into the path.