“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” - Maya Angelou
I wanted to look at this as I see it and I hear it so often.
“You have to love yourself first before you can love others.” and my other favourite‘ “You just need to trust and everything will be fine”
Usually said to people when they are in despair about a lost relationship or when something has happened that has completely shaken their foundations.
Often in my life I have felt isolated and struggled with trust and relationships.
As a child I had a feeling of being unsafe, I felt like there was nothing to hang on to, lots of chaos and change created a place within me that needed to control to create a sense of safety. I tried very hard to override these feelings but it never worked.
As an adult, I have worked through some of the deep emotions attached to this perception of life and can now recognise these patterns for what they are. Also where I have made mistakes, judgments and poor decisions for myself based on this sense of wounding.
Because of the stuff I was hanging on to, I was so full of fear, pain and control I had no room for seeing anyone else, trusting anything or anyone. I built an isolated cave around me.
I also made decisions that kept me a “safe place” but those places were where I felt dead and miserable.
My own pain affected my awareness of what other people were feeling or needing because my own needs were so demanding.
It was self-centred and came from hurt, fear, anger and sadness. It wasn’t necessarily my fault that I got to be that way. But if I was unable to form mutually respectful and caring relationships with others and trust in life then how was I ever going to be able to build a life for myself? I was just going to go around and around in circles trying to effect good change and getting nowhere fast.
I have often noticed myself as words were coming out of my mouth and thinking “I’m doing it again. I’m overreacting and being harsh! This person’s never going to won't want to see me again” or making a decision from a place of reactivity and then holding my head in my hands as I realise I have jumped out of another frying pan and into another fire.
I felt ashamed. I felt like a failure. Then the cycle continued, I became the victim once more and did my best to fit in, stay quiet and to not be me. I never dealt with it at a deeper level.
I needed to change and take some responsibility as an adult to look into these feelings and support myself to let go and heal them. The initial change was difficult but I’m incredibly pleased I did it.
I’m a stronger, more able and confident person and building a life that supports my growth and calling in the people that feel right for me and now I am able to see them and their pain and needs too.
Changes that make a difference in the long term, especially deep core wounds that were triggering me more and more, took acceptance and focus on my own self and what I needed to do and the support that I required.
I was so exhausted by the life I was living, I had to choose. I had to stop the victim blaming and shaming my feelings. I had to soften the harshness within me and halt all the stories that came from that wound. In essence I had to be truthful to myself and be realistic about my life.
Since this time of changing I have had really beautiful and honest interactions with people I have let go of and with people that are still in my life. I have built more trust in life and in relationships, I can see who I truly am and understand my worth and value. I have dropped the fear of making mistakes and being perfect.
It’s a work in progress, but the path seems to be more beautiful everyday.