I'm writing a book...
Sounds exiting yes?
It was a great idea but it has been hard work and incredibly emotional even revisiting the parts of my journey with autoimmune disease.
I also had a catch up with my Root Cause Practice pals yesterday evening, some of us have lived quite a life and we shared the happiness and the horrors of coping with chronic illness.
I love writing but the personal stuff is usually for me alone. To slowly introduce part of my story I thought I would share some snippets here over the coming weeks...should help build my bravery!
Life takes you to places you would never choose to go. Because why would we choose pain, heartache, difficulty and especially illness as part of our path?
As I reflect, often the deepest lessons and growth are found there. They teach you who you are, what you need to look at everything you can become can be and how capable you are. This was my story.
At 17 I was hit with Uveitis. My eye had become red and I couldn’t bear sunlight, even in a darkened room. Away visiting and unable to seek immediate medical help, I assumed it would pass. It didn’t.
I visited the GP who hastily sent me to the Ophthalmology Department at the local Hospital. 17 and alone, I was scared. Over the years I would become accustomed to this environment.
The Consultant curtly stated “your body is attacking itself, steroids are your only option. This issue will return and this is something you will live with for the rest of your life.”
Shocked and bewildered, I wandered out to the pharmacy. The steroid drops were like a miracle after the pain. I hoped and prayed it wouldn’t come back.
It did. And it kept coming, each time more angry and raw. The damage from not only the inflammation but also from the treatment took its toll. Each flare up, each hospital visit built a fear and anxiety about what was coming next
Not one Doctor told me I could do anything other than take steroids, in fact when I mentioned complementary therapy and supplements to my GP he laughed.
I didn’t believe what they said even at the start. Why would my body attack itself?
I wanted to know why this would happen and how to support my body to feel better and control the flare ups and inflammation. I wanted to know deep down what was causing this and why.
Life dropped a wonderful Reiki Master into my local town and I began receiving regular complementary therapies. Reiki, massage and built knowledge that could show me the answers to getting well and healthy.
Although I had many beautiful moments of deep healing and release, I was still holding on to defeating habits and limiting beliefs. My body was still angry and prone to flare ups when under extreme stress.
By my mid twenties, I had received so much steroid therapy, I had developed a cataract. The medicine was now harming me too and routine tests prior to surgery found a shadow on my lung, x-rays diagnosed Sarcoidosis in my lungs and my eyes. I was 25.
Depressed and low, I felt nothing I was doing was helping. Stress from every hospital visit kept me nervous, anxious and hypervigilant. I couldn’t accept this was my normal, I was frustrated and angry.
I changed my diet, I cut out harmful substances like smoking. I started to get fitter, stronger and healthier. They were physical changes but my emotional and mental health were still not being addressed. I still had regular bouts of low level depression, fatigue and had really poor coping mechanisms. Alcohol being the biggest.
Working way too hard. I pushed myself harder and never felt good enough. The flare ups could be less aggressive but I would always get a big one here and there.
The biggest triggers? Stress, poor diet, erratic sleep and emotional chaos.
In short, a pattern of chronic stress.
My life looked ok on the outside. But inside the fight raged on.
Negative self talk and feeling like I had to strive to be enough. I had to show the world I was capable of juggling it all. Everyone else seemed to be doing just fine...why wasn't I?
....To be continued