From illness to wellness...

Part three of my journey with autoimmune disease

When we are diagnosed we tend to take this on. It's our identity, we are labelled and this is who we are now.

I was different. Partly because the pain of staying as I was was too painful.

Graves Disease is not something I would wish on my worst enemy and for me I finally saw how much I had been holding onto.

My capacity to hide my emotions

The ability to put everyone before myself

The propensity for never asking for my needs to be met.

It isn't like I understood it all straight away, but I knew I was dying inside. The outer visual of me was one of a ghost.

I had no strength.

I had no fight.

I had lost myself completely.

But I know that we don't have to keep the label. We can change it...if we choose.

After the initial diagnosis and starting the medication, my body responded well, but the traditional medical system didn't offer much in the way of answers. They trialled me on different course of treatment and everything went haywire. The threat of having my thyroid removed or parts of it burnt off with radioactive iodine if I didn't get into remission, felt like another fight and a race for time.

Would I ever get out of this trap?

It felt like nobody saw, heard me or understood me or held any answers and this showed me exactly what had been happening throughout my life.

I had worked so hard and tried to be this “perfect” person and hiding who I really was. No wonder I wasn't understood, I didn't know or understand myself how could anyone else?

I was becoming paranoid, questioning my every move and decision. I felt more isolated than ever. And I was exhausted.

My body was screaming at me to stop and eventually I took some time off to slow down and recover. But mostly to become more present with what was happening and to begin to find my own route back to health.

Asking for support and time off was unheard of. This was the first ever time I had asked for sick time and it was badly needed. I was 41.

I gave myself a month to feel better, it was nowhere near enough. At the start I had to have two hour long afternoon naps and could barely reach the top of the stairs without being out of breath or weak. I rested, walked and got really quiet. I started to look at the places in my life that weren't working and stripped them away.

It sounds harsh but I had no energy for anything that wasn’t deeply needed

I had to find my peace, joy and happiness, a cliché maybe, but it was true. I explored my creativity and tried some things I would never have done before. Dance, music, women's circles. I watched all sorts of different webinars and started to meditate daily. I took up writing and photography again, something I had loved as a child.

I started to feel happier again. Ever so slowly parts of me began to return, the old me was gone forever, but a more curious me had arrived.

I was the project, my habits and daily routines changed. I needed good rest, quiet and a slower pace. My body needed to heal and nourish itself with the right foods and I researched endlessly the foods that would support my body to heal

Boundaries were something that I was never taught or had a clue about but I had to learn. Who and what I allowed into my day to day was so important to conserve my energy. For the first time in my life, I had to make myself matter. That wasn’t easy. I had long held a core belief that I wasn’t good enough, deserving or worthy of love or even of life.

Learning to love myself has been the hardest lesson of all.

Once some healthy boundaries were implemented, people dropped away, my once hectic and active social life was in the bin. Life became about conscious choices. Discussions with my body were all very new to me. If it wasn’t a “hell yeah” it didn’t happen.

Slowly and steadily strength began to return.

The boundaries I set were both internal and external.

Internal boundaries are promises or rules we make for ourselves about what we will or won’t tolerate from ourselves or others. I look at it like parenting change.

Living within these boundaries help us to lower stress and begin to build a sense of self and empowerment. Anxiety and stress can develop when you take responsibility for others' emotions, behaviours and thoughts. As a child I had perfected the art of anticipating others emotions, moods and needs, never feeling I could express my own. The Worlds best people pleaser was a badge of honour that had been hard won

Using some structure in my life allowed me to care for my own needs first. It created a supportive framework for my health and wellbeing in all areas, mind, body and Soul. I made these promises to myself to provide stability and security for my inner child. Routine and particularly rest and relaxation had to become put in the diary daily.

Internal boundaries can include promises to ourselves such as:

I will go to bed by 9:30pm

I will not answer my phone after 9pm

I will not make plans with friends when I’m tired or needing rest.

Many of us trespass our own internal boundaries by over-committing or over-giving. For example, if we spend two hours at a social gathering when we promised ourselves we’d only be able to be there for one, we ignore our own needs. Ironically, many of us become resentful at others when, in fact, we’re the ones who have trespassed our own internal boundaries.

External boundaries are boundaries we set regarding how we allow others to treat us. They can be the frame we use that shapes our behaviour and how we show up in relationships with other people. External boundaries are often never thought about until they are challenged by someone behaving in a way that makes us uncomfortable. Intentional thought about creating and setting external boundaries can benefit us and the people we are in relationships with.

This was all new to me and it started to help build my confidence in myself and life again.

I cut my hours and connected more deeply to my inner World.

My Spiritual life became incredibly important. Yoga had always been a good way to dive deep but my body couldn’t take the energy of strong flows anymore. Then I found Kundalini Yoga and meditation. This was a whole other level of connection, it was a turning point and a deeper exploration into my body, mind and soul.

I found a new sense of inner strength and a new sense of purpose and potential. It was the turning point to a whole new life

 ...To be continued

If you are struggling

If you feel lost and alone.

If you feel stuck in the same cycles of stress and burnout.

If you want to break free...

drop me a reply to this email or book a call to chat over how I can help.