I had the absolute pleasure to take part in the Heal Scotland Goddess Gathering this weekend.
It has always excited me to see groups of people gather to share ideas, create discussion and expression and to share energy. To connect, to laugh, love and cry. To effect change.
I spoke very briefly about my journey prior to the session and as I spoke the words of “belief” that I had written a month ago changed to “know”. Looking back on my autoimmune disease path, I see that 17 year old bewildered girl leaving the hospital thinking “No waaayyy am I living with this forever!”
Even though my mind hadn’t quite caught up, my body and Soul knew this was what I needed to learn. I knew at such a deep level that I wouldn’t be ill forever. Even when illness and inflammation kept hitting me over and over again, I just kept getting back up. Each symptom offered me a chance to learn and to grow, To expand my skills and showing me where I could help others.
Illness changes us. When that bout of Uveitis hit I was a normal 17 year old girl. I was just beginning life as a hairdresser and had found a boyfriend, all the stuff that you do at that age. My life changed and this is what illness does. It offers us a chance to retreat and to accept or to change.
At every point in my journey I turned towards the new, even though I knew it felt difficult for me. There was a choice point, did I want to stay the way I was - filled with redness, inflammation and quite honestly anger? Or did I want to step towards a more kind and loving way to be for my future?
I am very candid with my clients and I often tell them of the fear I had of accepting love, especially for myself, a sense of internal peace never came easy at all. And so reaching for a more peaceful and loving way of living was a hard road, it wasn’t what I was used to. The fight lived within me, it was my story - body, mind and Soul.
Illness, although difficult, was easy to accept in the face of having to learn to love myself and be kind to my body. It was easy to stay angry and inflamed, I had learned it so deeply, I wasn’t sure how or if I even could.
At first I was angry at my body. Why was I different?
The victim came out often. Why me? Why am I being attacked?
Then I became the person with autoimmune disease, that acceptance that I was floored in some way, like nobody else is or could ever be. Beating myself up that I was imperfect and that just set of a whole new cycle of perfectionism.
It’s all a process, an unfolding, a learning. The quote I always return to is “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” - Soren Kierkegaard
Illness is a message to change, to ask why it has arrived, to listen and to learn what it has to say. It may be multi-layered, multi-experiential, multi-faceted, but it’s asking you to grow.
It often arises when there is a conflict within us. We want to live a different way but we feel we can’t. We feel constrained by the construct of family, social circle, finances and messages we learned when we were small. There is safety in the tribe, but if your body is calling you, then it's a good chance to start to live life your way.
It takes courage, but in my own experience, when you say yes, things just happen. Life seems to offer you chances to know more. and to be more of who you are at your core.
In 2017 I completed a deep relaxation meditation training in Lancashire. I was anxious on the drive, I was anxious every day. I was a nervous wreck. After that I began to offer this service to small groups of 8 and I could hardly speak my words. This weekend I spoke to nearly 50 people, some were my peers and their work is incredible!
Was I nervous? OF COURSE. It was uncomfortable, I had to face some fears, some may seem irrational, but that is my own path. I knew deep down I would be held by a group of people who want the same thing as me. Deep change and a different and more loving way to live.
If you feel stuck. If you feel like there is no other choice. If you feel this is the way you HAVE to live your life, then change is really calling you.
If your symptoms are too much to bear and you are exhausted with just living, then it's time.
There are so many people just waiting to support you and guide you and to witness your change. I am just one.
Remembering there is always choice.
Beginning to live authentically and allowing life to flow for you.
Letting it expand your vision comes from looking ahead at the person you want to be.
To feel the things you don’t want to feel.
The answers are there.
Beautifully said.