Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'
'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit.
'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.'
'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'
'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.” - Margery Williams Bianco, The Velveteen Rabbit
This really sums up my own journey to authenticity. Or being real.
Often frazzled, battered and bruised but the feeling of being more comfortable in my skin makes me happy, feel more alive and in good health.
I often say to my clients, it's not the easiest path but I couldn't live any other way now.
We covered this in our recent workshop The Confident Practitioner and this is what we discussed.
People who are authentic strive to align their actions with their core values and beliefs with the hope of discovering, and then acting in sync with, their true selves. When people act in ways that violate their self-concept, they may experience negative feelings, ranging from mild discomfort to heavy guilt but also illness.
Psychologists Michael Kernis and Brian Goldman developed an Authenticity Inventory in 2000 comprised of four key factors:
Self-awareness: Knowledge of and trust in one's own motives, emotions, preferences, and abilities.
Unbiased processing: Clarity in evaluating your strengths and your weaknesses without denial or blame.
Behaviour: Acting in ways congruent with your own values and needs, even at the risk of criticism or rejection.
Relational orientation: Close relationships, which inherently require openness and honesty.
How does that sit with you?
Are you living in alignment with your core values and beliefs?
Are your underlying beliefs undermining your outcomes in life?
What makes us an authentic person?
How do we become our authentic self?
Being authentic involves the ability to be introspective and understand what motivates us. This can feel difficult because it can reveal uncomfortable truths about ourselves that we may be unwilling to see or admit. But advocates of authenticity argue that in the long run, it’s better to be accurate than biased.
The big one for most people is becoming our authentic selves can put us at odds with our larger peer group. We want to be who we are but are afraid that we will be 'rejected' or 'pushed out' if we do. This is difficult and in my own experience has put me into times of feeling lonely, isolated and what people can call 'a dark night of the Soul'
These times when we are stuck between the World we are reaching for but feeling the pain and anguish of losing the uncomfortable comfort of our old World or inauthentic lives. But the validation authentic people feel from following their internal compass is the only way to feel congruent, healthy and well in the body, mind and Soul.
My belief is these in between paces are the places we learn the most about who we really are. Our strengths and our weaknesses. Where we can change for the better and where acceptance and love for ourselves are true medicine for our Souls.
In a psycho-Spiritual sense I look at the process this way.
Individuation. A Jungian term. This is a process of psychological integration where we differentiate from others. We become distinct from the collective and its values and norms. It is the alchemical path where we transform and transmute our lead into gold. It’s challenging and is a separation from the familiar.
The Soul longs for the journey to change, expand and grow. It's essence is to investigate our own life experiences and discover our own personal truth.
Many of my clients come to me at these points of transformation and the longing to become more themselves, not just on the outside but to learn how to grow from within.
How does the struggle to be authentic show up for you?
Does the dark night of the Soul journey resonate?
Or are you scared to even take a step toward it?
Notice over the next weeks and months, maybe even use these journal prompts at different moments along your journey.
The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are. ― Carl Gustav Jung