All the parts...
Do you ever get this?
When you are working through something and trying to get to the other side? All these different parts and voices come screaming at you from inside.
All the pieces you thought you had control of, you see that you have absolutely no control at all. That you simply have to listen and talk to these parts. Create a conversation and listen to what they are trying to do or even protect you from.
They have different voices, different perspectives. Sometimes it's an orderly debate and sometimes it's an angry fist fight.
I have recently worked with a Nutritional Therapist to create some routine and good eating habits. All of a sudden this raging teenager came stomping out of nowhere. She demanded wine, pizza and cigarettes. All of which I had great pleasure in partaking in when I was a youngster.
When working with relationships, this wounded little girl pops up. She can want and feel so much, it's hard to hold her.
But there is always the grown up that makes those choices. She can either work against the inner voice by pushing her away or shouting at her, or give her some attention, love and some boundaries.
“Yes, we can have pizza but no wine as you have work tomorrow, then at the weekend you can have wine”
“I’m sorry you feel lost and like you don’t know your way. But you are learning and growing and I love you”
Such a lot of internal conflict, thinking and checking myself and being in awareness of every step to growth and learning can be exhausting. But so necessary.
Some days the voices are so loud I don’t know which one to listen to first. Or how to help.
The bigger the change, the more intense the debate, the argument and the process.
I have worked very much with these different parts for a while now. Just noticing and doing my best to listen to them, rather than push them away.
We all have these voices or personalities living inside us. It’s part of our consciousness. We all carry with us many different selves.
We don’t associate with all of them, they seem to come up when we are in these stages of change or growth. We can be proud of some, deny the others even exist and are frightened of many.
Each voice is a stage in our development, in our belief system. We attached to them in our past and they were useful then. They kept us safe, they protected us.
Perfectionism. Shame. Worthiness.
They can sound like authority figures that you experienced in your life, Parents particularly. They have the same reactions, triggers and frustrations of those people that were important in your life.
You learned from them . When they do this x happens and so this is how I do it. And believed it, this is the inner voice too.
Wherever it came from and whatever the reason, those voices, those beliefs, developed through experience in order to fulfil a purpose. They are now a belief, a voice that tells you what to do, how to see the World, how to respond and react to it.
Does it feel difficult, scary and cringe to notice these parts of me? Absolutely.
Some days I can hold them all, nourish them and show them how to do it differently. Reparent each of those parts. Others I am awash with them, I don’t know where to turn or how to listen. I just want them all to go away.
The angry teenager. The brave warrior. The poorly child. The demanding toddler
They are all parts of me, and It is right to honour and respect what they have to say, They have helped me in so many ways when I needed them. If I push them away they will simply shout louder.
The growth I am reaching for in life is asking me to acknowledge these parts, to notice where they are keeping me stuck, protecting me and hindering me as an adult.
My disciplined self wanted to get healthier now I'm older. But the raging teenagers thirst for dropping out and not thinking about anything, who numbed with food and addictions decided that wasn't the way.
The wounded little girl who felt lost and alone popped up after my relationship of 20 years broke down and called for anything, everything that felt loving and kind. She drove for a while but I had to help her see the decisions she was trying to make for me weren't safe.
These are just personal examples of where I had to learn to listen internally and work together as a team.
We tend to believe "happiness" is the process of gaining external things or experiences. We abandon those voices inside and shove them away. Or we think we do. Until life throws us some lemons and we start to realise that we cannot fix the external to change the internal experience. Our outside experiences are a direct result of our inner world and environment.
Changing and becoming more aware and conscious we start to see we must listen to those wounded parts and change their beliefs, the filter they see the World through.
In Psychotherapy world, this is known as Internal Family Systems. Or IFS and there are some great resources and books to get you started.
Whenever I think I'm losing my mind with these many voices, I sit down and begin to listen. I journal and reflect on repeating patterns and experiences. Where I am choosing from the wounded parts of me.
Some of them are so incredibly proud and excited about what is to come and others are scared stupid. All of them hold the key to my progress, growth and future happiness.